Stop Fighting, Start Talking

When a couple are stressed, niggles and irritations can devolve into full-blown arguments. Silly things, like a pair of shoes left at the bottom of the stairs can escalate into a major row. The argument is clearly not about the shoes. It is about feeling tired, taken for granted, fed up.

Learning to talk to each other as adults can help to minimise arguments and fighting and improve communications between them both. As a relationship counsellor I suggest a few thoughts to help:

- Take a break. Sometimes stopping for half an hour after work, before going home can be a useful way of drawing a line under the stresses of the working day. Maybe park the car and listen to a CD or go for a run or a swim. That way the days pressures are left where they belong, at work. And going home can become something to look forward to.

- See how you can help. Some people treat arriving home as the end of all their efforts after a busy day at work. But someone has to prepare a meal, shop, clean, do the laundry. Offering to help can significantly improve the atmosphere and can be a time to chat together about the day, life, the evening ahead.

- Being aware of the other person and their concerns demonstrates empathy and interest. Appreciating their point of view, even if you do not understand or agree with it is respectful and values the other person's opinions.

- If there is tension in the air and it is clear that a row is brewing learn to walk away and let it cool off. Call time on the situation and allow it to defuse. There is no advantage in fuelling a volatile situation. Take a break and then, when it is more settled, discuss what has prompted it to happen.

- Let things go. Not everything has to be fought over. Sometimes letting things go can be the better decision. You may win the argument but lose the relationship is something to consider when making a decision as to how to proceed next.

- Avoid accusations. Most people become defensive if accused of something. Hearing the words 'you make me feel' can make many people feel enraged or defensive. Taking responsibility for how we feel is the adult way to discuss problems and issues. Saying 'when this happens I feel' is much more responsible and can encourage the other person to want to help.

- Move on from the past. It is often tempting to quote examples to justify what has happened or why we have reacted the way we have. The problems with quoting old examples is that the other person is often tempted to counter with examples of their own and any discussion can collapse into a major dissection and justification of past perceived wrong-doings.

- Agree a plan for the future. Agree what you will do to prevent future disagreements from becoming too bad. Some people have a code word for when things start to get a little heated. When one person says the word they have to agree to a time out period, maybe two or three minutes to calm down. The word might be silly, like 'mushroom', but both people agree in advance to respect what saying it means.

- Agree to respect each others stresses and make allowances. Work, family, in-laws, friends, can all be potentially difficult topics in a relationship. Feeling obliged to do more for family or friends, feeling guilty, work pressures and insecurities can all cause difficult dilemmas in a relationship. But respecting what they mean to our partner is part of being in a relationship. Our partner needs to communicate their concerns to us and we have to listen and respect them for doing that. Working around our differences and negotiating a compromise is all part of being in a successful long-term relationship.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/

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Rebuilding Trust In A Relationship After Cheating And Start Making Up With Your Girlfriend

It is claimed by many that an affair should be the final straw that ends a relationship. I think it should be a stepping stone to a stronger bond. It should be a learning curve that brings you closer to your girlfriend. To get to that stage though, you need to start rebuilding trust in a relationship and start making up with your girlfriend.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship is all about making adjustments as well as changes to attitude and the actions that are taken by both you and your girlfriend. Even after you have cheated, it is still possible to save your relationship. To do that you need to take to start rebuilding trust in your relationship and start making up with your girlfriend.

Let's start off with the attitude part. It is no use reading that you have to adapt changes to your attitude if you don't know what that means when put into action. Let me explain what I mean by changing attitudes.

Attitudes Before Cheating

Before you strayed away from your girlfriend to see someone else you would have taken some sort of attitude approach to your partner even if you didn't realize it at the time. You went elsewhere for a reason. This is self-analysis on your part here. What was it that caused you to have an affair? Was the sex becoming non-existent? Has your girlfriend changed her appearance from when you met her? Has she let her looks slide for the worse? Something about her must have changed in your eyes that caused you to stray. At the same time something about her still has you madly in love with her or you wouldn't be here.

What happened that made you feel you had to get something from someone else?

Attitudes After Cheating

After you analyse what went wrong and think about why you strayed from your girlfriend you will have an idea to approach the situation and start rebuilding trust in a relationship to start making up with your girlfriend. You wouldn't have had an affair if your current relationship was perfect, so how can things improve between you both as a couple.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship means going deep and fixing the underlying issues that are the core of the problem. There are times that couple counselling will feel like a practical option.

Talking about things that are causing problems can be a huge help, but just understanding where things could be improved is where it all starts.

To start rebuilding trust in a relationship, the small actions can make a huge impact. If you make a small promise to take some of the chores away from your partner like, sharing the kitchen duties. If she cooks you wash. Vice versa, you cook, she washes. If something like that is agreed between you both you need to honor that promise. The little promises that are fulfilled and kept are a good way to start rebuilding trust in a relationship as well as start making up with your girlfriend.

When you start rebuilding trust in a relationship through the smaller things in your relationship, your girlfriend will start to see the bigger picture and be more forgiving due to the effort you take, with the small things that often seem too insignificant to pay attention to. All those little things add up to build a strong relationship with your girlfriend.

Of course, there is going to be the comments that she will make with regards to what you have done. These need to be addressed as you go through this. That means apologizing more than the once. Responding with "I already told you I was sorry" will ruin your efforts. She is going to need time to forgive you. You need to be patient with her and understanding.

This doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your time together being guilt tripped. Things will settle down but only over time. This is a time you need to look at the positive end of the scale and stay strong.

Think of how a broken bone will heal. It takes time, support and a lot of nourishment but over time it becomes stronger and eventually is as good as new. Relationships can work the same way. Stick with her through the tough times ahead and you will restore the trust needed and be a much stronger couple as a result.

There's a guy by the name of T Dub Jackson that offers relationship advice to couples that are going through difficult times. He has helped thousands of guys looking to start making up with their girlfriends and rekindled many relationships where his advice has been sought. Over at http://www.bringbacklostlove.org/ there's video that is really rich in free advice and he might just have something there that is what you are looking for. It doesn't cost nothing but a couple of minutes of your time. Click the link above and see if T Dub could help you.

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