When a couple are stressed, niggles and irritations can devolve into full-blown arguments. Silly things, like a pair of shoes left at the bottom of the stairs can escalate into a major row. The argument is clearly not about the shoes. It is about feeling tired, taken for granted, fed up.
Learning to talk to each other as adults can help to minimise arguments and fighting and improve communications between them both. As a relationship counsellor I suggest a few thoughts to help:
- Take a break. Sometimes stopping for half an hour after work, before going home can be a useful way of drawing a line under the stresses of the working day. Maybe park the car and listen to a CD or go for a run or a swim. That way the days pressures are left where they belong, at work. And going home can become something to look forward to.
- See how you can help. Some people treat arriving home as the end of all their efforts after a busy day at work. But someone has to prepare a meal, shop, clean, do the laundry. Offering to help can significantly improve the atmosphere and can be a time to chat together about the day, life, the evening ahead.
- Being aware of the other person and their concerns demonstrates empathy and interest. Appreciating their point of view, even if you do not understand or agree with it is respectful and values the other person's opinions.
- If there is tension in the air and it is clear that a row is brewing learn to walk away and let it cool off. Call time on the situation and allow it to defuse. There is no advantage in fuelling a volatile situation. Take a break and then, when it is more settled, discuss what has prompted it to happen.
- Let things go. Not everything has to be fought over. Sometimes letting things go can be the better decision. You may win the argument but lose the relationship is something to consider when making a decision as to how to proceed next.
- Avoid accusations. Most people become defensive if accused of something. Hearing the words 'you make me feel' can make many people feel enraged or defensive. Taking responsibility for how we feel is the adult way to discuss problems and issues. Saying 'when this happens I feel' is much more responsible and can encourage the other person to want to help.
- Move on from the past. It is often tempting to quote examples to justify what has happened or why we have reacted the way we have. The problems with quoting old examples is that the other person is often tempted to counter with examples of their own and any discussion can collapse into a major dissection and justification of past perceived wrong-doings.
- Agree a plan for the future. Agree what you will do to prevent future disagreements from becoming too bad. Some people have a code word for when things start to get a little heated. When one person says the word they have to agree to a time out period, maybe two or three minutes to calm down. The word might be silly, like 'mushroom', but both people agree in advance to respect what saying it means.
- Agree to respect each others stresses and make allowances. Work, family, in-laws, friends, can all be potentially difficult topics in a relationship. Feeling obliged to do more for family or friends, feeling guilty, work pressures and insecurities can all cause difficult dilemmas in a relationship. But respecting what they mean to our partner is part of being in a relationship. Our partner needs to communicate their concerns to us and we have to listen and respect them for doing that. Working around our differences and negotiating a compromise is all part of being in a successful long-term relationship.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Susan_Leigh
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